Smells Like A Scam To Me

A perfume company that claims it makes unique perfumes out of people’s individual DNA now says it has created a fragrance from DNA extracted from Michael Jackson’s hair.

Really?

Not that I’m the slightest bit interested in smelling Michael or finding out what his signature scent could be like.

But I’m curious to know: Was that hair from somewhere other than Michael’s head?

Also: How did they get an authentic sample of Michael’s hair? Did a barber’s assistant secret away a fistful as she swept the curls scattered on the floor after a trim? Did a girlfriend or boyfriend snip a lock or maybe yank a hair out as Michael slept?

Now I also remember reading that a leaked copy of Michael’s autopsy report said he was completely bald, so this so-called hair from which this fragrance was concocted could be from a wig that most likely originated from hair shaved off the head of a pilgrim in Tirupati.

Turns out this company even has an official source for all the authentic hair it derives its celebrity fragrances from, including Elvis's. A man called John Reznikoff has the largest collection of genuine celebrity hair. I never was into collecting coins when I was little, and I collected stamps half-heartedly, perking up when I came across stamps issued by places that had nothing to write home about, like Lesotho and Papua-New Guinea. Why didn’t I think of amassing a collection of human hair? It’s portable and its DNA doesn’t degrade even after a person is dead.

I checked out the website of DNAfragrances.com to see if it was an actual company. They’ve got fancy pictures of mysterious-looking women draped in yards of billowing silk and velvet, and suitably flattering copy.

“As a woman this fragrance says I am. This is me. I no longer wear hand me downs. My genetic code is created from my heritage. I am connected to kings and queens. I dictate what is good for me. It is the history of my soul that announces who I am through My DNA Fragrance. I am exclusive.”

And then, instructions on how to send your DNA so you can have your own perfume: “You simply take a special sized Q-tip swab and rub it on the inside of your check” – yes, a true Freudian slip.

I’m jealous. How come I never thought of such a cool business idea. This sounds like a business I could run capably and collect some cool cash, all in the time it takes me to sing The Little Drummer Boy with every Ra-pa-pum-pum as I lick envelopes shut at the dining table. Just get people to Fedex a check for $99.99, to receive Brad Pitt’s DNA fragrance. Then, get a vial and fill it a little bit of cheap drug-store perfume, dilute it with tap water and send it on in a special box.

For those who are not into celebrities because they want to celebrate themselves, I’d have them Fedex a strand of their hair, an unwashed sock, a soiled tissue or some nail clippings – just about anything, even a half-sucked lozenge they’ve spat out, and send it with a cheque for $99.99 (limited special offer). Then, I’d get a vial and fill it with a little bit of cheap drug-store perfume (something with a desperate name, like Voluptuous -- which is cheap-perfume-code for Fat Loser), dilute it with tap water and send it on in a special box. Anyone who’s into this kind of self-worship is too dumb to smell a scam.

And I’ll actually be doing them a favor. They could be wiring their entire savings account to some Nigerian cheat who’s emailed them to inform them they’ve just inherited a few million dollars from a Liberian warlord and just need to quietly send their bank information to the widow.

Instead, I'll have given them a two-for-one deal in which they learn an essential lesson in financial prudence, and discover the god/goddess sleeping in their armpits.